Monday, July 11, 2011

The Doing

If you had told me ten years ago that I would one day thrive on routine, I would have laughed. A decade ago Summer loved spontaneity and thrived on change. A decade later Summer craves structure in every part of her life.

This summer has turned out to be completely different than I'd expected. Even in May I had grand expectations of easy closing on the house, unpacking in a week and having a whole month before my dear friend arrived for his visit. A month of nesting, acclimating to home ownership, and most importantly, writing.

Suffice to say, none of that happened. Oh, I unpacked alright. Thank goodness for that impending arrival, too--it lit a fire under my ass like nothing else. I knew he couldn't care less what my house looked like, but I sure as hell did.

Now I'm unpacked and clean, my friend is leaving in the morning, and I'm looking at the calendar realizing that my days are rapidly spiraling towards their new beginning. When I start nursing school on August 16th, it will have been 2 years to the day since I got hurt at work. Two years of learning how to be a "housewife," how to be alone for 85% of the day, how to be my own best friend--and how to write like a full time author.

I went through stages of hating it. The first year was the worst, mostly because I was still so badly impeded by my injury, then surgery and post-surgery physical therapy, etc etc. Then things started improving. I began to enjoy my time at home, and I started taking advantage of all the time to write. Last year, I wrote 3 novels. I started blogging. I found some awesome online friends, and some of them have become in-person friends. I discovered that I could stay at home all the time and feel perfectly fulfilled.

And now nursing school is on the horizon. When I'm not in class, I'll either be working my new job or studying my ass off.

When will I write? How will my relationship evolve with this new change? Will my husband remember what it's like for me not to be the 100% home-keeper?

I've always been good at school. School, I can do. Textbooks, memorization, logging in the hours--that, I can handle.

It's the everything else that I'm afraid of. Since I've been at home, I've discovered a great well of writing discipline inside myself. I tapped it, and it still flows inside me, urging me to sit down at the keyboard and work. Writer. Revise. Anything. And the longer I've gone without it, the worse I'm feeling. Edgy, anxious, crabby on occasion. The novel always in the back of my head.

Yet I'm too structured to be able to devote the mental capacity to writing without having my home in order, without having my office setup the way I need it. And now I have company, which I wouldn't change for the world. As soon as my company leaves, I'll have 4 weeks left.

Four weeks to try to establish a new routine, only for that routine to disappear when school starts.

I'm nervous. I'm worried. I think obsessively about how things will be when school starts, how it will impact the life I've come to appreciate.

Nothing I can do it about it now, except start doing and stop thinking. Come Tuesday morning, I'm going to throw an entire summer's worth of work into my writing, just in case it's the last chance I get...

16 comments:

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

You go, girl.

Shain Brown said...

New beginnings can be excitingly terrifying, so approach with your arms out and eyes wide open. Have fun and I wish you all the best.

Old Kitty said...

Oh I feel your anxiety and fear!! I say just take one day at a time (yes, so cliched but really too much is too much and one needs to just have a few things to do everyday!)!! Good luck!!!! Take care
x

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

sometimes change sucks, but it never lasts. I think things will be a little up in the air for you for the first 6 months or so, but after that, the new routine will have really set in and you'll have room to do everything you want and need and more. Promise.
You are going to be an awesome nurse!

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

Nothing like life changes to keep us on our toes! Just remember this: the anticipation of change is always worse than the change, itself. Worry and fear are normal emotions, but you'll rise to any challenge with the grace I know you possess. You're going to rock it!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

It won't be your last chance to write, Summer! You can handle the changes that are coming - I know you can.

lee said...

Hang in there! I'm a full-time master's student, so I feel your pain. It's hard to find a schedule to accommodate both writing and school but it's definitely doable. And even if you can't spend as much time writing, loving what you're learning helps ease the non-writing pain. Best of luck! :)

Jemi Fraser said...

You'll be fine. Give yourself the first month off and then start to play with a variety of routines and see how they work. You'll find the one that works best for you!

~*~Jessica~*~ said...

I think it can always be challenging to find a balance when it comes to a marriage and who does what at home when both people are busy, busy, busy! Don't feel alone though, my hubby and I still end up bickering about it. LoL

Teri Anne Stanley said...

You can do eeet!
I find that I am even more productive when I have more on my plate (within reason!). Creating a new routine can be a challenge, but we know you'll do just fine!

Matthew MacNish said...

Change is always hard, but it's usually for the best. You'll find a way, I have faith in you, Summer.

chasing empty pavements said...

I can totally relate to how you are feeling! Working a law enforcement job with rotating shifts and rotating days off, I'm continually trying to revamp and revise my routines. It's hard and stressful, but at the end of the day, just remember you have an amazing husband that loves you and you're making life changes that will forever better yourself!

Lola Sharp said...

All I have to say is: Get cracking on those revisions of FOUR!! (no pressure ;) FOUR weeks to finish FOUR...Go!!! (no pressure) (do you wanna hit me now?)

Huggles...love you. :D

Simon C. Larter said...

You'll find a way, darlin'. You got grit.

Now get crackin'!

:)

Jessie Humphries said...

I like getting started on new adventures/endeavors. It sounds like a great move forward. So good luck.

Barbara Kloss said...

Oh my goodness, I can so relate. My hubby and I just moved out of state and I had to start a new job. I was anxious (panic attacks, pimples erupting all over my face...you get the idea) about establishing a new schedule. Anxious about finding time to write while learning a new job (I get crabby when I can't write, too!)

We've been here a month (been at my new job a month, too) and the dust is finally settling. You'll figure it out. You won't rest until you do. You'll just have to get creative, and it may involve "reading/writing" dates with the Hubby :) Keep your head up!! And it's interesting all the ideas your subconscious will come up with while your "busy".

Best of luck with nursing school - I know that's a touch job! (I work in the clinical lab :D )