Saturday, August 7, 2010

High Drama Blogfest entry

Today is my buddy's DL Hammons' much-touted, highly anticipated Blogfest of WONDERS!! Or drama. 


Go hither for the festivities. 


My entry is from the recently-competed MS, Saving Me. This is a scene between my MC, Lily, and her best friend, Hannah.

Rated R  for language.


*****


     Hannah saw me coming up the stairs and disentangled herself from--Michael's?--lap, hurrying through the few remaining mourners to grab my hand. Smudged mascara ringed her eyes, and I could see the top of her bra where her shirt was askew.
     “Where have you been?” she said, pulling me back towards our friends. Sascha had finally shown up, after going God-knows-where after the funeral. For once she looked normal, dressed in a simple floral dress, hair in a ponytail. No flavor of the week hanging around, or at least not that I could see right now.
     “Looking for Tom,” I said. She stopped short and dropped my hand.
     “Why?” Her eyebrows furrowed. I massaged my forehead, trying to chase away the post-tear headache.
“What does it matter? I just wanted to talk to him. That okay with you?” But she still looked pissy. What the hell was her problem?
     “Linden's still here,” she said instead, jerking her thumb over her shoulder. The man in question looked pretty damn preoccupied to me, listening to Sascha tell some story that required flamboyant gesticulation and sloshing of drink.
     “Yeah. So?”
     “Are you being purposefully stubborn?” Hannah reached out and pinched my forearm. Hard.
     “Ouch! Bitch. Why did you do that?” I rubbed the spot. My headache swelled. Hannah rolled her eyes.
     “Forget Tom! Lily! Forget him! He's history.”
     “He's right over there,” I said, pointing back towards the edge of the woods. Hannah grabbed my arm and pushed it down.
      “Stop it. He dumped you, Lily? Don't you remember? In front of all your friends. Humiliated you.”
     I swallowed. “I remember. Thanks.”
     She shook her head. “Unbelievable. Do you remember how long you wallowed in the bottom of your Jack Daniels bottle after he dumped you? Do you remember who it was that brought you back to the real world? It was me and Linden, Lily. Me and Linden.”
     “I know that. What's your fucking point?” I crossed my arms and glared up at her.
     “My fucking point is that Linden's been faithfully fucking in love with you all this time, and all you can do is crawl after Tom like a dog in heat, eating up every fucking crumb of attention that he drops for you.”
     The loud crack reached my ears before I even realized that my hand had moved. And then pain tingled in my fingers and my palm, heat rushing up my arm as the perfect imprint appeared on her pale cheek.
     All conversation ceased. I felt the press of a dozen stares, heard the distant chirp of a frog. And then reality rushed forward.
     Hannah's hands flew to her face and I saw the shimmer of tears in her eyes.

*****

30 comments:

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

Oh Summer, this is fantastic! The authenticity in the exchanges, the emotional impact, the relationships -- all of it is spot on. I loved it!

DL Hammons said...

I agree with Nicole. This is so authentic...I feel like I've personally over heard that conversation before. Dripping with tension and concluding with HIGH DRAMA!! ME LIKEE!!

Thanks so much for being part of my blogfest! You can have two muffins for that one. :)

Creepy Query Girl said...

the conversations are so realistic and we don't really need any more detail in order to see the scene clearly. Very well done!

Lola Sharp said...

Well done, love. We even got a bitch-slap out of this excerpt!

Falen (Sarah) said...

ohh what a bitch! Lily i mean, due to the slapping.
And yay language! I love me some believable swears

Crystal Cook said...

This is so great Summer! And Linden!!! I'm having a hard time picking! Especially when I read this little excerpt.

You're awesome. SO much drama!!!

Stephanie said...

LOVE the discription of the slap!! Very nice!!!

Courtney Barr - The Southern Princess said...

Girlie! You should know I love this! I mean LOVE THIS!!!

Wonderful entry!

Visit My Kingdom Anytime

Charles Forgues said...

I loved it. The dialogue was perfect.

Summer Ross said...

This is great dialogue! This line is my favorite: "Sascha tell some story that required flamboyant gesticulation and sloshing of drink." I adore that description. Nice work!

Christine Danek said...

I'm bowing down to you right now. This is fantastic, Summer. You are a great writer. I can't wait to read more. I know I have to read what you sent--sorry. Bad CP. :)

Francine said...

Hi,

Great dialogue, emotions running high, explosive tension and the scene beautifully orchestrated for dramatic climax.

Absolutely superb!
best
F

Shannon O'Donnell said...

This is fantastic and totally real - love it! Great job. :-)

Old Kitty said...

Oh no!! I didn't see that coming (and neither did Hannah!). I like the emotion and tension created here and the relationship between both girls - I want to step in and tell them to stop fighting like that - so you got me involved already! :-)

Well done you!

Take care
x

Jemi Fraser said...

Wow - really intense! Very nicely done Summer - I enjoyed the pace and the characters. :)

sharongerlach said...

This was an excellent piece of writing, the dialogue very true and real. Lily's reaction to Hannah's (somewhat callous, in my opinion, albeit accurate) remarks was so spot-on I was actually surprised when I read it, expecting you to veer away from a real if unfortunate response. It was a joy to read. ;-)

Summer said...

Thank you, everyone!! It was a last minute switch-a-roo to what I'd originally scheduled, and I'm really glad everyone likes. :)

February Grace said...

Whooo hoo, bitch slap and all!

Brilliantly written- and poignant for me, today I am actually trying to chase away one of those post-crying headaches after a funeral yesterday. The description was understated, and perfect.

I wanted there to be more so I could keep reading- I am very curious about this story and especially Linden.

Wonderful entry- thank you for posting.

bru

Portia said...

Wow, well done! I think I forgot to breathe, especially here: "The loud crack reached my ears before I even realized that my hand had moved. And then pain tingled in my fingers and my palm, heat rushing up my arm as the perfect imprint appeared on her pale cheek."

And the dog in heat line--as others have said, so authentic. And beautifully constructed. So glad to get a peek into this world you've created!

—Portia

aspiring_x said...

wow! i love how this instantly drew me in! realistic dialogue and characters... excellent!

Angela M. said...

Ditto on all the comments. And now you're getting the press of a few dozen stares of amazement. Yes, your MS very true to life, and the dialogue was very well done! I'm looking forward to reading more from you (so many entries in this 'fest). Thank you so much for visiting and following my blog.

Elle Strauss said...

My, my Love IS blind. I do Hope Lily figures it out soon!

btw, love your profile pic. Cute kitty!

VICTORIA SAAVEDRA said...

Wow! The tension is mind blowing!

Great job!

Donna Hole said...

Way cool. I loved the imagery - I could just see all these people and hear the babble of conversation.

Good work.

.........dhole

Amanda Sablan said...

Snazzy writing here. The emotions, the phrases, the dialogue: all was supremely well done. I very much enjoyed reading your entry! :]

j.leigh.bailey said...

Love this line: “My fucking point is that Linden's been faithfully fucking in love with you all this time, and all you can do is crawl after Tom like a dog in heat, eating up every fucking crumb of attention that he drops for you.”

I so want to see the rest of this story to fit it into context!

Mesmerix said...

I enjoyed this. Us girls will say and do a lot of things to one another, even our very best friends, but there is one line we won't cross. Physical violence is the death knell of a girl-friendship.

You captured the essence of that really well I think. Thanks for sharing!

Scribbler to Scribe

Michele Emrath said...

Good for her for slapping the bitch!

Like it. :)

Michele
SouthernCityMysteries

The Words Crafter said...

Wow! That was one heated uh, conversation. Well done, especially with the dialogue. Very intense. I'm wondering what's the fallout....

L'Aussie said...

Summer, I loved it. Great dialogue. Very alive and sassy. What's going to happen?